Family Expectations

“While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told him, ‘Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.’

He replied to him, ‘Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?’  Pointing to his disciples, he said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.’” (Matthew 12:46-50 NIV)

As the beginning of the holiday season approaches, along with the excitement of reuniting with family comes for some a sense of dread. The holidays often require us to spend time with people we really don’t like that much, or in the case of believers, people who do not share our faith and perhaps think of us as weird and out of touch with reality.  The truth is the holiday season is often very different from the fantasies of the Hallmark Channel.

I remember going home for the holidays after my conversion early in college.  Because I had become “really religious,” it was assumed I should offer up the prayer for the meals.  Yet, at that time, my family did not understand the true nature of what had happened to me. Conversations were often awkward because my priorities had changed. And, in my immaturity, I often said things that were disrespectful of their nominal beliefs, which sometimes created more tension than love between us.  Most of the time, I couldn’t wait to return to my Christian family back at school.

As I grew older and more mature, I began to realize why it often is so hard as a believer to go home to family who do not share your faith. For 18+ years, you live and develop intimate relationships with individuals. Personalities and interests may vary widely, but family bonds are strong.  There are expectations, both internal and external, of what these relationships are supposed to look like, between you and your parents and with your siblings.  But, as Jesus warned us, faith in Him can dramatically impact those relationships. If our families don’t accept what we believe and the often-dramatic changes in our lives, then our families can begin to feel more like strangers, and fellow believers more like our real family.  And that is a very difficult adjustment to make and accept.  For me, it resulted in anger and resentment, not necessarily helpful emotions in maintaining good relationships.

So I had to learn to practice love as Paul defines it, and not expect to be loved in the same way or even to be understood.  That approach, over time, worked well for both my family and me.  I was increasingly able to treat them kindly and to be patient when they didn’t understand my faith and all the things it had led me to do in my life.  And I want to think that played some role in most of my family over time choosing to follow Jesus just as I had.  

So today, if you are one who is not looking forward that much to reuniting with your family for the holidays, lower your expectations of what you will experience with them.  When you choose to follow Jesus, as He said, your brothers and sisters in the Lord are your real family and your biological family may not be able to give you the same acceptance and love.  But by loving them with the love of Jesus, you are creating the opportunity for them to become part of your spiritual family as well.

© Jim Musser 2015