Friday, October 6, 2017

Presence

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15 NIV)

Sorry for your loss. It is used so much in social media feeds to respond to someone in grief that it has become almost passé. It is meant to convey sympathy, but to me it has always sounded a bit shallow; a convenient all-in-one phrase that doesn’t truly bring much comfort, but gives us comfort to say it. We may not know what to say—sorry for your loss. We may be afraid of saying too much, but do not want to remain silent—sorry for your loss.  We may feel we just don’t have the time to invest to comfort someone—sorry for your loss.

This may offend you because the phrase is so ubiquitous, you have probably used it.  I don’t think I ever have, but I am guilty of typing out a quick 1-2 sentence response on a Facebook newsfeed and thinking I have brought comfort.  So I am writing this morning not as one looking down my nose at those who express their sympathy in tweets and four-word phrases, but with the realization the age of social media has made most of us oblivious to how we truly mourn with those who mourn.

This all came to mind yesterday when my wife and I were discussing whether or not to post something about the death of her mother. She was reluctant because she really didn’t want to read “sorry for your loss” dozens of times. I responded that is probably what she should expect if we post it.  Her response was clear and on target: “Whatever happened to mourn with those who mourn?”

The problem we have in a social media age is we are accustomed to having everything quick and easy. Someone has a birthday, post a few celebratory words.  Someone graduates, do the same.  There is no cost and only a moment’s investment.  To be clear, we mean well and have the best intentions, as I have when I’ve done the same, but in the midst of the technological maelstrom we find ourselves, I think we believers have been blinded. 

To truly mourn with someone (or rejoice), we have to invest our time and ourselves. Sure, it is nice to get a lot of comments and there might be some comfort in them, but for most of us, we need more personal investment, particularly from the ones we know well.  We need a voice, a touch, a listening ear. We need presence.

I remember days after my father had died and I was back at college, I longed for my friends to inquire about how I was doing. I needed their presence to help me in my time of grief. It was the same when my mother died and when my first wife wanted a divorce. 

The problem is what we need is no longer in fashion. Neighbors often never speak to one another. We don’t drop by other’s homes. We don’t call. Instead, we meet in neutral places; we text, send a tweet or post on Facebook or Snapchat.  So when a person is in mourning, what happens? Hardly anyone visits or calls, or sends personal cards or letters. Rather, the person is inundated with short electronic messages and four-word phrases. And the result is often isolation and loneliness, of which no one is aware because they think there is plenty of comfort already being given. 

The bent of our culture is to want to stay in our comfort zones, safe in front of our screens, inside our living spaces, or keeping to our schedules. But mourning along side others cannot be accomplished that way.  Presence is required. There is no substitute. 

Today, if you know someone who is grieving a loss, figure out how you can be present for them, to mourn with them.  It may be dropping by for a visit, a phone call, sending or giving a card or a gift that would be meaningful. There are a myriad of ways to mourn with someone. Our duty as Christians is to figure out how to do it well, rather than what is the most comfortable or convenient for us.  

© Jim Musser 2017

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